An Ode to Stupid People

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
-Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC instructor

On regular basis, I hear from other people about how much they cannot stand stupid people. And about a small fraction of the time, I agree with them. Many a time has passed when progress has been stalled because of one moron who tried to help with whatever was going on.

But there has also been many a time where something was said or done by a stupid person that made my day. Some people get mad and stop their feet, but I find it amusing.

I've learned over the course of time that stupid are essential to the world. Many stupid things had been said and done that changed the course of history, like the guy who invented crocs or the guy who suggested a bail out plan for our country (whoops....I'll keep politics out of this one).

If you are one of those people groan whenever a doofus opens their mouth, chill out. Enjoy the moment, because they're the ones who are going to suffer torture from other idiots who try to correct them.

So now, I salute all of those who have at one points opened their mouths and given us a nugget of wisdom that was absolutely unnecessary and unrelated to the topic. Here's to you, the man who jumped into the lion's cage to pray the beast through to God, the woman who sued McDonald's for making their coffee too hot, and especially to all wannabe preppies, who pop their collars and sip frappuchinos like they know what real coffee tastes like.

This post is dedicated to David Hasselhoff, the chief among all morons. Just ask the man: had it not been for him, the Berlin Wall would have never come down.

In the Name of Silence in the Restroom

During the first few months of my second year at Gateway, I've been faced with an issue every morning: singers in the bathroom. I know we are supposed to praise God in song, but when it is seven-thirty in the morning and my main focus is regaining consciousness and heading to class, it is very unnerving,. Murderous tendencies I have never felt before arise in my heart when someone walks in and cuts loose.

I know I am not alone on this issue. It may not be just in the dorm of the college you are attending; it could be at home, at work, or even in your church. I'm sure that at least once in your life you have encountered someone who took pleasure in exercising their vocal pipes at full volume in the restroom.

But the echo is amazing, one might argue. When you're tired or hung over, you don't care how amazing someone's voice is (and if you're a Christian and you agree with part of the last statement, shame on you and find an altar immediately).

Have no fear, my fellow sufferers, for I have a plan. It may take some sacrifice if you're hard up for cash, but don't worry, because it's much cheaper than buying a gun and scope.

The solution to the singing problem: Full, unused shampoo bottles.

Nathan, how dumb are you, you might say. People can always duck.

Now, take a minute, chastise yourself for doubting me, and listen up. It's all about coordination. If you practice in your room (or car or cardboard box if you're homeless), you can ultimately learn this technique that will ultimately hush the singers in your bathroom. It just takes two steps.

Step #1: Find your local pet store and buy a large rodent. If you have a fear of vermin, get over it because it's all in the name of silence in the restroom.

Once you have bought it, take it home and let it loose. When you happen to come across it in your humble abode, find a nearby object and chuck it at the rodent. It may take months of practice, but you will eventually become a master at hitting small animals from a distance.

Step #2: Buy a big supply of shampoo bottles. I'm not talking small, cheap one-dollar brands; I mean the big ones with 33% extra shampoo. I know it sounds crazy and expensive, but it will come into play in just a second (or hour, depending on how fast you read).

Back at home, practice hurling these bottles at the rodent. But first, make sure the lid is open because when you throw it, you want to make sure that extra 33% squirts out all over the rodent when you hurl the bottle.

And the day you successfully hit the rodent three times in a row is the day you are ready to take on the bathroom singers.

And there you have it. Hopefully you find the peace you are looking for and much more. The bathroom choir is slowly taking over our beloved world and it's time that we show them that there are some who are willing stand up and regain our territory in the restroom. We will not stand for noise and we will do what it takes to mute these offenders of society!

So goodbye and good luck. Now, I must go and continue my practicing. The singers on the third floor at Gateway will have a day of reckoning very soon.

The Answer to Life

What is the answer to life?

That is the question that many of us are asking, We stumble aimlessly through wondering why we are doing what we are doing. As a child, we do so without a care in the world. But as we grow older, our brains begin to fully develop and pretty soon, we begin to wonder what our purpose is on this Earth. Are we meant for something great or are we simply pawns in the big game of chess known as life?

I have asked myself this question many times. I have sat in my thinking chair at Gateway and pondered upon the possibilities of my purpose. I sit and sit and think and think only to come up with nothing. I had begun to think this was something that I shall continue to wrestle with for the rest of my life.

Life is a funny game; just when we think we have the answer, we are hit with a curve ball, therefore proving our research to be wrong. And everything that we think will bring us the joy and happiness we desire turns out to be false and worthless. To some, life is nothing more than one large red herring.

Many philosophers of our generation and past generation have tried to uncover this mystery known as life, yet none have come even remotely close to discovering the complete answer because it is nearly impossible. Some think they already have it, while others have simply concluded that it will never be found.

I'm sure you have thought about this. I am most certain that a great lot of you are still thinking this. Either you are still on this long journey or you have given up and headed home.

I began my research for this answer some time ago, and I have found many results, most of what were dead ends. Some say it is ice cream, while others hold the belief that it is allocated somewhere in oatmeal-flavored spoons. Some are just content with the things are, simply sitting on their front porch sipping lemonade while shooting anyone who dares to trespass onto their property.

With so many theories, it is possible for one to lose sight and become jaded. We travel the world, searching every crevice for any piece of evidence, and pretty soon begin to get accustomed finding nothing to the point where we could have found it but passed it up because we were not paying attention.

Yet in the midst of confusion, there is hope. Because I have found the answer. You may find reason to argue with me, but I know that it is true. And I am willing to prove it to you and I will do so in two words.

Inconceivable, you might say. How could he do such a thing?

It is possible. It may not seem so, but once you hear it, you will be instantaneously enlightened. It is something that will shatter your mindset and cause to develop a whole new way of thinking. It's depth is so impossible to measure that even the greatest thinkers of our time would never be able to unlock it.

Some will call me a buffoon and a liar, but that is a risk I am willing to take, because I know that I am right and that they are wrong. Once they hear the words leave my lips, they will be awestruck, dumbfounded, and enlightened. They will then turn and recognize me as the greatest thinker of all time. Even more so than Hemingway or Thoreau.

Now, most of you are wondering with itching anticipation what this discovery of mine is. You should feel rather fortunate that I am willing to share it with you because it is so exclusive that not even the President should be allowed to hear about this. So brace yourselves because here are the two words that will bring you the joy and happiness that you have so desperately search for all of your life.







































Chuck Norris.

A Call

When I came to Gateway, the last thing that was on my mind was missions. After living on the field for twelve years, I was more than ready to try and adjust to living in another foreign country: the United States.
But I've discovered over time that when God puts a call on your life, there is no way escaping it. No matter how hard you try.
On my first day by myself in this weird country, I was sitting in my room at Gateway trying to figure out where to go from there. By then, I had reluctantly left the country I had grown to love, moved back to the place where I was born, and was now getting ready to take part in the Gateway experience.

"What am I doing?"

That's what I said aloud, laying on my bed staring at the ceiling. I was at a point where every road looked the same and it was driving me crazy.
During those next few weeks, I started praying, hoping God would give me direction. I went to church, prayed in the privacy of my room, and read the Bible every day.
One night, I was on my knees and I thanked God for giving me the experiences I had in Mexico. Then, I had a request. I wanted to do his will and all, but I had one exception.

"Please don't let it be something in missions."

Someone once said, "If you want to make God laugh, tell Him about your plans." God must have been rolling in the floor when I was praying. But I was dead serious. At the point, I was burnt out from working in Mexico and I just wanted to do something "normal." And my definition of normal was very specific.
It was about halfway through the semester that I made friends with one of the seniors, Tim Henson. Turns out, he was the president of the Missions Club at Gateway. When the clubs were announced in chapel, that was the one I avoided. I considered Music and Drama, but Missions was the last thing I considered.
But somehow, he convinced to join the Missions Club. I figured I was being unfair, so I decided to give it a go. I was going to go to a few meetings and quietly blow it off after a while. After all, I had requested that God keep missions out of my life for a while.
But as soon as I started going to those meetings, The Sanctuary started holding Spanish services on Sunday afternoons. And I was asked to help out with the music.
Naturally, I was a little hesitant at first. I even told Bro. Dan Scott, who was holding the services, that I would pray about it.
I've noticed that sometimes people use that phrase as an excuse to blow something off. And here I was trying to use that approach.
But Bro. Scott grabbed a hold of me and told that it was now or never. Needless to say, I said I would help.
And it was during that time that I served in the Spanish work at The Sanctuary that God began dealing with me heavily. Over time, I started to feel this burden on my heart and I couldn't feel what it was, but every time I went to church, I would this ache in my soul, like I had I just lost a loved one.
And it was through this burden that I discovered what God's will for me was: missions. I didn't hear Him say, "Go live in a mud hut and preach!" or see a map of a certain country in my head, but it was in a still small voice that I felt like God was drawing me back to what I had been trying to run from. It completely contradicted my plans, but I remembered God's will more than often contradicts what we want.
So here I was, once again, with a map in my hand, trying to decipher what God had told me. The only thing I knew was that I was going to be involved in something overseas.
I started praying once again, trying to find direction. I felt like I was pushing God too much, but I had to know. It was almost as if I was on an Easter egg hunt, trying to figure out under which rock my future was buried.
By the time my second semester started, I was bent on figuring out what my calling was. I knew I had a burden for missions, but I didn't know if I was going to be living in a mud hut or just staying at home and praying for the missionaries.
It was Missions Conference at Gateway when my life did a complete 180. I came expecting to just hear about Missions, hear a few speakers, and then leave.
But the first night, Bro. Scotty Slaydon preached a message about answering the cry. I went to the altar as soon as he was done and when I cam to, I was up against the wall in a ball of tears and snot.
And after crying out to God for what seemed like an hour, I heard Him speak. I was in awe because I heard all the stories of people having God talk to them and now, it was happening to me.
"You're going to go back to where it all started," He said. I couldn't believe my ears. I had run so far only to find that the place where I was supposed to go was right where I had begun.
The following night, Bro. Hopkins spoke and at the altar, we had the most amazing response I had ever seen. People were sprawled out in the floor, speaking in tongues. Some who I had never seen do so before. And it was there that my call was confirmed.
So that's my story. I just prattled for a while to illustrate the point that no matter what you do in life, if you choose to follow God, He will give you a calling. Even if your calling does not include being called to some far distant country, you must pursue it. Either way, it will find you, one way or another.

New Year's

It's here! 2009 is finally here! That's the cue to make resolutions that will end up being broken within the first week. Yet, it's still nice to have that false hope that we will actually lose weight, manage debt, save money, get a better job, get fit, eat right, quit drinking and smoking, and possibly reduce stress overall in the coming year.

I've chosen to take a different road and not rant about how much I'm going to change this year. Instead, I've chosen to reflect on what an amazing year I've had. In the last twelve months, I've managed to recover completely from a car wreck that happened over a year and a half ago, finish high school by a sheer miracle, and start Gateway without any false starts. I know it's only three things, but in those three things, I've accomplished more than I would have if I had decided to shed a few pounds or lower my stress levels.

And the reason I accomplished that wasn't because I stood in Times Square when the clock struck twelve on New Year's last year. It was because I trusted that whatever may come, God will be there for me when no one else will.

So this year, I'm only making one resolution. I plan to trust in God like I did this past year. I challenge you all to do the same.