In the Name of Silence in the Restroom

During the first few months of my second year at Gateway, I've been faced with an issue every morning: singers in the bathroom. I know we are supposed to praise God in song, but when it is seven-thirty in the morning and my main focus is regaining consciousness and heading to class, it is very unnerving,. Murderous tendencies I have never felt before arise in my heart when someone walks in and cuts loose.

I know I am not alone on this issue. It may not be just in the dorm of the college you are attending; it could be at home, at work, or even in your church. I'm sure that at least once in your life you have encountered someone who took pleasure in exercising their vocal pipes at full volume in the restroom.

But the echo is amazing, one might argue. When you're tired or hung over, you don't care how amazing someone's voice is (and if you're a Christian and you agree with part of the last statement, shame on you and find an altar immediately).

Have no fear, my fellow sufferers, for I have a plan. It may take some sacrifice if you're hard up for cash, but don't worry, because it's much cheaper than buying a gun and scope.

The solution to the singing problem: Full, unused shampoo bottles.

Nathan, how dumb are you, you might say. People can always duck.

Now, take a minute, chastise yourself for doubting me, and listen up. It's all about coordination. If you practice in your room (or car or cardboard box if you're homeless), you can ultimately learn this technique that will ultimately hush the singers in your bathroom. It just takes two steps.

Step #1: Find your local pet store and buy a large rodent. If you have a fear of vermin, get over it because it's all in the name of silence in the restroom.

Once you have bought it, take it home and let it loose. When you happen to come across it in your humble abode, find a nearby object and chuck it at the rodent. It may take months of practice, but you will eventually become a master at hitting small animals from a distance.

Step #2: Buy a big supply of shampoo bottles. I'm not talking small, cheap one-dollar brands; I mean the big ones with 33% extra shampoo. I know it sounds crazy and expensive, but it will come into play in just a second (or hour, depending on how fast you read).

Back at home, practice hurling these bottles at the rodent. But first, make sure the lid is open because when you throw it, you want to make sure that extra 33% squirts out all over the rodent when you hurl the bottle.

And the day you successfully hit the rodent three times in a row is the day you are ready to take on the bathroom singers.

And there you have it. Hopefully you find the peace you are looking for and much more. The bathroom choir is slowly taking over our beloved world and it's time that we show them that there are some who are willing stand up and regain our territory in the restroom. We will not stand for noise and we will do what it takes to mute these offenders of society!

So goodbye and good luck. Now, I must go and continue my practicing. The singers on the third floor at Gateway will have a day of reckoning very soon.

Thanksgiving

Every year we always have something to thank God for. It could be small and insignificant like getting a new phone or life-changing like receiving the Holy Ghost. But this year, my family and I have something we all are thankfiul for. It's the protecting hand of God. Because without it, we all would have died three months ago.

I remember being angry with God because of the condition I was in after the wreck. I had cut my chin to the bone and my jaw was broken, therefore my mouth was wired shut and I was forced into a liquid diet. And it seemed like instantly after the wreck, everybody we talked to would say, "Oh my goodness, I feel your pain. Me and my husband go into a fender bender last year."

But I learned that despite the stuff I was annoyed at, I had something major to be thankful for. I mean, if it wasn't for the hand of God, I wouldn't have had just my jaw broken. I would've been on a slab in the morgue. It's just amazing how God works.

So this Thanksgiving, I thank God for protecting us when all along when we shouldn't have made it out of the wreck alive.