On the subject of socially acceptable phobias...

Recently a certain aspect of my personality was brought to my attention. Normally, I’m know to be a generally nice guy, but when this item is mentioned in my presence, a hatred that is almost unreal comes out of nowhere and manifests itself through yours truly.

The item in question? Koala bears.

It have been mentioned to me that I seem to have a morbid outlook on these seemingly cute and cuddly creations of the Almighty. They are docile and adorable that it is almost unimaginable they could cause one seemingly calm human being to turn into a heartless cretin.

This all has a reasonable explanation: they are conspiring against me.

You look at me like I’m crazy, but I’ll have you know it’s true. They want you to think I’m a crazy individuals who has some sort of vendetta against marsupials, but I tell you, my dear friends, it’s a façade; it’s what they do!

I was fifteen when the fateful incident occurred. What the outside world saw was a kind man approaching me, telling me I could make money by helping him promote his book. “10 dollars an hour” sounded so sweet coming from his mouth.

What happened next is what the masses didn’t see. The man’s thugs, a group of koalas, emerged from the ceiling and hauled me off to a location unbeknownst to me, seeing as how I was knocked unconscious. Once at their hideout, they forced me into what I thought was a stuffy box with a rickety fan inside and forced me back out into the public.

As I stepped into the open, the crowd was yelling, “Zoey Bear!”

I was never paid, and since then, the koalas have manifested many times to me, taunting me. I chase after them often, but those spawns of Satan are quick, leaving me to explain to confused bystanders that I was training for a marathon.

Then there was the time they surrounded me, prompting me to summon my knowledge of martial arts to take them down. However, due to their aforementioned thunderous speed, the public saw a crazy man pole vaulting in an alley.

You may think I’m crazy, but I will have you know that these freaks are not cute and cuddly. They are devilish fiends who will bring psychological grief!

Some of you are backing up slowly. It’s understandable. But I will have you know that I am NOT crazy. I am enlightened! And these little monsters will pay for it.

So next you’re at the zoo and you are passing these superficially cuddly marsupials, don’t buy into their lies. And if a man promising a hefty wage to help promote his book were to approach you, my best instruction is to kick him in the garden of good and evil and book it. It will be only a matter of time before his furry minions come after you.

Now if you’ll excuse, I must return to my jujitsu and karate training. My flying crane is going to knock those creatures into next Thursday.

A Letter to Shakespeare

Dear Bill,


Many describe you as a multitude of things: Legendary. Groundbreaking. Innovative. Inspiring.

But as for me, I have THREE words to describe you, supposed legend: Time-Traveling Thief. (Technically that could be considered two words, if you count the hyphen.)

Are you so desperate for a good story that you have to warp the laws of time and gravity just to get one? Do you have to take every thing we knew and loved growing up and twist it for your own profit? So that in some weird retrospect, we think that it was YOU that started it all?

I saw The Lion King. And it was good. It made me laugh, made me cry, and even made me reevaluate my life. Since that time, I have chosen to at all times put myself in the place of that young lion cub who dealt with the betrayal of his own blood. All while befriending a wisecracking meerkat and a loving yet dim warthog, of course.

Then all of the sudden, people are like, "Oh, it's based on Hamlet by Shakespeare, also a story of betrayal! All bow at the feet of Shakespeare!"

I don't know how you did it, but I know you, Bill, you wily son of a gun. I know Hamlet is just a cheap knock-off of Simba. Why didn't you just steal Timon and Pumbaa while you were at it? Or would that just be rude, you hack?

McClintock. One of the great John Wayne westerns. Definitely in my top three of all time. There's comedy, yet enough drama and tension to balance it all out. There's even a great mud fight scene that I continually rewind during each viewing.

And all of the sudden, here come SMART, WITTY BILL with "The Taming of the Shrew."

Are you serious!? How low of you to take a classic (and of all classics, a John Wayne classic!) and turn it into a boring comedy THAT'S NOT EVEN FUNNY! All the pratfalls, misogyny, and drunken fools have some kind of smart joke in jacked-up English that I don't get. The least you could do is make it entertaining, you stuffy, British kook!

I was willing to let you slide. People plagiarize all the time (except for me, though it would seem that way, for my writing sometimes appears to bear resemblance to the format of a college textbook), so I was going to let you go, Bill. Give you a second chance to reevaluate your position, much like yours truly after drying my eyes after watching The Lion King for the first time.

But then you did the unthinkable. You took yet another classic, maybe the greatest movie of all times, and did your worst.


ROMEO AND JULIET!

A heartbreaking drama starring Leonardo DiCaprio and Claire Danes. Untouchable, or so I THOUGHT! YOU COPIED IT WORD FOR WORD AND TWISTED IT, YOU SICK FREAK!

I cried at the end of that movie like a child who's discovered that Santa Claus is just a creepy old man who lives in his mother's basement. But when I read your version, I wanna run to the bathroom and throw up like it's New Year's Day and I've been partying all night long.

Like I said, I would've let you go had you just cheapened it into a different yet similar version, but you had to take this forbidden romance and slap your name on it like it was your own. You make me SICK!


I don't like you, Bill. I don't like you one bit. I love you, in the love of Christ, but in the love of me, there's a list, with the likes of Cher and parachute pants present. AND YOU'RE NOT ON IT. (Actually, you are, but I only put you there so I could cross you out, just to make the effect more long-lasting.)

You can play dead, you coward, but one of these days, I WILL find you. (I probably won't kill you, due to legal implications, but I might pinch your ear, thus causing slight discomfort and temporary irritation, and say something mean about your mother, like, "Hey, my mom makes better meat loaf than your mom. Take that, Mrs. S!")

You've been warned. Plan accordingly, because like a ninja, you won't see me when I'm coming. There is absolutely no retaliation against your sly acts, so I will be the first to find you. Prepare to have your time-warping world BUH-LOWN TO BITS!

Love (but not really),
Nate

"God, I pray for President Obama..."

"'What is Something I Would Never Hear a Fellow Christian Utter in His/Her Prayer Closet' for 500, Alex."

I think that would be my response if I ever heard anyone in the Pentecostal movement say this. It's like a monkey driving a car; not something you see every day.

I watched an interview on The Daily Show on the devil box last night. The one being interviewed? Barack Obama.

Though I stand the risk of making many people angry and causing their heads to explode, I'm venturing out to say that I was impressed. He let America know that the aforementioned "hope and change" wasn't something that was going to happen overnight. It was going to take time and the cooperation of America.

Right now, there are probably fellow brethren of the faith that are travailing because the words escaping my lips and making their way to the screen will doom me to an eternity with Beelzebub.

Know how to bring the absolute devil out of almost any God-fearing Christian?

Bring up politics.

Say the name Barack Obama or make a passing reference to the Democratic Party and you just might see a normally kind-hearted person turn into a grotesque, vile monster. The things I have heard from some of these people have made me cringe. Hate speech is an understatement.

It's funny. If I were to post a hateful diatribe on Facebook or Twitter against a spiritual authority, the amount of trouble I would get in could not be described in enough words. Yet, strangely, putting something absolutely wretched and nearly inhumane about the Commander-in-Chief is hailed as patriotic.

The rebuttal, of course, is usually, "Well, they talk bad about us, but we can't talk bad about them?"

Forget turning the other cheek. We don't do that anymore. It's overrated.

I might have missed the memo, but when did God become a Republican? When did that solitary political party become the official party for all Christians, namely Pentecostals? If so, do I have a say in this at all?

Apparently not. Because not being Republican or conservative makes you a flaming liberal. Which apparently is the only way to go?

Could they have ever considered that I've never really left their side, but in honor for the man who eventually won the final election, chose to show him the respect that is due?

My opinions haven't changed. I still voice them upon being asked about them. But when we are asked to respect our leaders, I choose to assume that the leader of our country is included. Because, whether we like it or not, what he says goes.

News flash: being in disagreement with the values of the President is not a license to call him whatever comes to your mind (most of it being regurgitation from conservative talk shows). The phrase "You can't be a Christian and vote for Obama" is one of the most ignorant things I have heard in a while. Comparing him to a terrorist with a homonymous (if that's not a word, I just made it one) name and praying that he gets kicked out of office or even assassinated is not the attitude a professed Christian should possess.

What happened to praying for our leaders? Let's think hypothetically: what if the reason for our country's condition is due to the fact that instead of using our words to bring blessings on Obama, we are choosing to slander and curse him with them? Shouldn't we be backing our leaders instead of stabbing them with our venomous rants?

More importantly, how can we teach the younger generation to respect our leaders if we can’t even respect some of our own?

If I’m wrong, feel free to tell me where I can go. But I don’t think I am. Maybe we need to stop and think.

We believe in the power of prayer. Is it quite possible that we can actually puh-puh-puh….puh-prray for the President? Maybe instead of hurling ethnic slurs and slamming his character (which he has more of than some people I know [Yes. That just happened.]), we could ask that God provide him with discernment and wisdom to make pending important decisions?*

Anyhoo, that is all. I will return to my liberal, postmodern hole until something else enters my mind.

*If you’re a firm believer that God cannot speak to or use secular leaders, look at Cyrus the Great, King of Persia (Isaiah 45:1-3). To continue the overuse of a popular phrase: just sayin’.

So Silly (Stolen from a Friend)

I’m doing something different this time. Instead of putting up something by yours truly, I’m posting something written by a friend for whom I have a great deal of respect. In this post, he challenges us to look at our supposed perfection and realize that it’s all a lie, a façade. (Kind of reminds me of Elihu’s response in the book of Job to the other friends who criticized Job.)

So enjoy. Hopefully this will provide some food for thought.

I want to know, does my emancipation not fit your equation? Does freedom not quite squish into that tiny little box you have made? Do all the numbers not add up? It's probably because you can't count. So why are you always trying to grab hold of what you can't control? Trying to push things where they don't belong. Putting words in the mouth of God. Are you a Pharisee? A bloodthirsty Jezebel? Oh wait... you're a Christ ian? And yet you are always trying to stamp out those who disagree with you.

And you’re acting as if just because I am young then I must be stupid; "Oh, he is just idealistic and foolish." But you're acting as if you’ve actually created something new. Ha! All you're doing is duplicating what has been done a million times! That's called regurgitation. Don't you remember that the Word says there is nothing new under the sun? So don't think that I am naïve because of my age. Tricks and fakery are easy to spot anywhere , be it in the tropical islands or the frozen arctic.

Yet somehow, even though I am quite the "ignorant baby," you're the one losing your cool... kind of ironic. It's as if a tiny, insignificant nation making the World Powers tremble. Are you really that threatened by someone so small? Achilles' heel? Joan of Arc? American Revolution? Really? I haven't even really done anything. You know that I try to live peacefully with everyone. You've seen me doodling hearts. You've heard me talk about nonviolence. You know I read Dr King's work. You know my room is decked in peace signs and flowers. I just refuse to participate in your propaganda. Who enjoys injustice or likes playing by those messed up rules? I will not bend to your graven idols and worship the image you have created. That's simple enough… and I’ve been this way the whole time.

The best part is that you knew the truth since the start! Actually you were fighting for me to join your team yesterday, but today you are scrambling to separate yourself. Isn't it strange how arrogance and pride completely change situations? That money is allowed to blind those who are in control. And that miscommunications only lead to further complications. Were you upfront with me? Are you even honest with yourself? Because now you are trying you're best to make me seem like the illegitimate one. Running my name in the mud, trying to tarnish my reputation in any way possible. What the heck? Why me? What is your problem? As if you have any right to challenge anyone; you're no champion. You've won nothing in your selfish, self-seeking, self-loving game. In fact… you just lost one. Silly.


Wait. Wait. Wait.

You no longer have anything to say? Your big mouth is finally shut? Why is it that all of your talking has turn into forgotten leftovers? Surely you have something you can say in your infinite wisdom. Especially considering you own the world, right? After all you purchased it, and it only cost you your soul. Wow! Look at how beautiful you are now; "What a sight to behold!" Ha! That's a joke! And shame on you because you actually buy into this. Come on, even the Proverbs declare that wisdom is better than silver and gold.

Just like you I was hopeless, but now I'm on hope road! And it's so important, but then again you probably don't want to hear anything that I have to say. But then again I don't care. Because there are so many paths but you must choose one. Only one! So until you do right, everything that you do will go wrong and be wrong… tainted by your nasty attitude. And if you don't change then the rain is going to come! And because it will we all need to get down on our knees and repent. Because even though we try to appear straight and perfect, our attitude has bent and misshapen every aspect of our person.

And isn’t it funny how hypocrites always want to play innocent, making it seem as if their intentions are pure and holy. They try to pretend like their word is their bond, but those evil chains aren't made strong at all. They’re cheap; shriveling up and breaking when confronted with the truth. And reality is that they never want to face the truth to begin with! They don’t want to be around when it's time for the punishment they have inevitably earned for themselves. In fact they only want to act as if they're exempt from it. Slithering around the problems they cause just like that serpent in the garden. Bad news though… none of them will be able to slick talk their way out of this one; the Day of Judgment. This isn’t a coincidence; it’s the consequence they’ve earned.

What? You're acting like this isn't commonly seen in nature. It's seen everywhere! And in all of your knowledge you don't even understand universal truths? Whatever you throw out will come back to you like a boomerang, and it will hit you hard if you aren't careful. Wasn't it Paul that said you reap what you sow? So don't ever underestimate those who you scar, those who you tease, ridicule, and attack. Don't think that you've gotten away with murder, friend, because I've got one word for you: karma.

Now some of you reading this are probably mistaking it for just some simple little blog, while others will never ever get it. But hopefully while some stand shunning and condemning these words, maybe someone will listen and learn. And for those of you to whom this is written, those of you who have reached the pentacle of perfection, look at yourself. Look at what you have become. Weigh your heart and reflect, reflect, reflect.

So just like I said before, you lost this one. In your attempts to achieve whatever it is that you are after, you lost. And in the end, what did you really gain from all of this? From what you've done? Really ask yourself… It’s so silly.

How come?


This is my interpretation and expansion of the Lauryn Hill song “Lost Ones” off of her classic LP The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill

From the Desk of a Liberally Conservative Democratic Republican.

Are you going liberal?

Sure.

That's the answer I give every time. Personally, I think such an observation is based on perspective, because it depends on the angle from which you're observing me.

But in our [Pentecostal] movement, it is my general assumption that venturing beyond the thirty-eighth verse of the second chapter of Acts makes you a flaming, tree-hugging liberal. So if that's the case, then yes, paint me liberal.

I believe a quick disclaimer is in order: I still believe in the plan of salvation found in Acts 2:38, which entails that baptism by immersion and receiving the gift of the Holy Ghost through the evidence of speaking in other tongues are essential to salvation.

But since when has that become the only Scripture in the Bible? Because every time we witness or talk to somebody about our beliefs, we slam them with that one Scripture over and over until they eventually concede and come to church, where we preach apocalyptic messages that make a second visit highly unlikely.

I'm not saying dilute the message. I'm asking that the people that have accused me of doing so follow their own advice and preach what the rest of the Bible says.

Because, and this may come as a surprise, there is more beyond Acts and Revelation. In fact, along with the strong message of coming events (which I hold in very high esteem), there is a message of a loving Saviour who paid for our transgressions so we wouldn't have to. And with a world filled with hurting people, this is a message they need to hear. Because before they can fully grasp the coming events, they need to know that perfection isn't demanded, which is the vibe Pentecostalism gives off.

So are ya liberal? Sure. Free-lovin' hippie? Okay. Post-modern Democrat? (which apparently is a grave insult) Why not?

All I know is that before Peter got up on the Day of Pentecost, there was a God who gave His only begotten Son, so that whoever believed in Him would not perish, but have eternal life.

Peter wasn't exempt from this. As a matter of fact, Peter was just as bad as us. But God looked past that and used him, just like He can use us, imperfections and all. I guess what I'm getting at is that we need to remember that it's God's will we follow, not Peter's.

Peter preached an incredible message and it is something we should remember and apply in our lives, but with all due respect, I worship God. Not Peter.

Sometimes I yell at God...

Sometimes I pray the way your average Christian prays. I thank God for everything in my life and exalt Him as the great Creator that He is. And if I'm in a time of need or struggle, I ask that His will be done in the situation.

Then there come instances where the average Christian would travail and start an intercessory service on my behalf if they could listen to my prayers. These are the times when I get brutally honest with God. Sometimes, when fear, anger, frustration, bitterness, and depression collide, what comes out is a seemingly ungodly rant against everything I'm dealing with in life.

And that's just fine. A lot of people do it.

I had a little talk with Jesus not too long ago, where I did indeed tell Him all about my troubles. It was in this session that I may have raised my voice just a smidgen. Or possibly spoken with a harsh tone.

Who am I kidding...I was yelling in my loudest voice. I was frustrated and God was gonna hear all about it.Whoever wrote Psalm 137 must have shared an equal, if not greater, sense of bitterness and anger. The Israelites were taken into captivity and horrible things were being gleefully done to them by the Edomites. The ruthless bunch even had the gall to ask them to sing songs of their homeland.

"Blessed shall he be who takes your little ones and dashes them against the rock!" the writer snarls in verse 9. Talk about getting worked up.

But you know what? I don't blame him. Because I would be saying the same thing.I don't think God minds either. Even though He knows what we're thinking, He wants to hear us say it. Whether we're on top of the world or ready to kill somebody, He wants us to tell Him. It's the honesty that will bring us closer to Him and like any relationship, communicating our feelings will solidify the base of our relationship with God.

I still vent when I pray. Some might frown upon this, but deep down, I think He appreciates that.

A Thorn In My Flesh

I don't believe in deliverance.

Now, before I get mobbed, let me explain. Since I was a child, I've heard countless sermons on how you can be delivered from your sin, that the blood of Jesus can wash away every bad thing you've done.

This is true. However, I have noticed a misnomer stating that upon being filled with the Holy Ghost, every sinful desire is taken away and you can never do wrong. If you were a homosexual, you will never lust upon someone of your gender again. If you were a chain smoker, you'll quit cold turkey. If you were a boozer, the bottle will never tempt you again.

Then someone who is "delivered" from their trial comes forward, stating that their problem has resurfaced. They are then taken to the altar, spit upon and hit with the Bible. And if that doesn't shake it, they run you out of the church.

This might be a slight exaggeration, but to some extent, most Christian churches believe that if you have JUST enough faith in God, your problem will disappear. Just ask the snake handlers.

To be completely delivered denotes perfection, which we as humans will never achieve. To have no problems or trials hindering us would make us just like God, which is what we are not.

Stuff happens in our life to glorify God. You can read in the Bible of several instances where people had illnesses that were used to show how great our God really is.

Paul spoke of this in II Corinthians 12:

To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

We have problems, addictions, and struggles because only through this can God show how powerful and merciful He is. Trials may come, but I can trust in God to carry me through when I cannot continue.

One thing that gets under my skin is the belief that Philippians 4:13 is interpreted as the bestowing of superpowers upon Christians. We aren't great and mighty because we've conquered all sin on our own; we make it through because we have a great and merciful God who saw it fit to provide us with grace.

And despite the opposition, it is possible to live a righteous life with affliction. THIS is what Philippians 4:13 means. In the good times and bad, we can still do all things through Christ.

So if deliverance is defined as never having the desire to go back to where you once were, then no; I do not believe in deliverance. Because I long for my old ways. There are days when I am above it, but then there are some where I oh so badly want my sin.

But that doesn't mean I have to go back to it. It just shows how much I really need God and how my life would be in shambles if I didn't have Him.